Re: Poem for the day
|From:||Isaac A. Penzev <isaacp@...>|
|Date:||Thursday, September 12, 2002, 10:34|
On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 11:54:11 -0400 Steg Belsky scripsit:
> Here is me trying to do it in Biblical Hebrew. Of course, i never
> actually studied Biblical Hebrew itself, so i'm working on what 'sounds
> right'. Anyone who actually can consciously distinguish between Biblical
> and post-Biblical Hebrews, please tell me if i made any horrible errors!
I'm not a big specialist, my Hebrew is mostly liturgic too, but we use
Kelley's and Lambdin's here at school, so I hope I can feel the
difference... Your translation is great! Though in some cases I would use
different forms or words... So I'll try to comment on differences:
>> His Sun ripens the grape, and it is the wine of our delight.
> I highly doubt an actual Biblical psalm
> would use this phrasing, though - generally everything is attributed
> directly to God, talking about "his sun" as an intermediary between God
> and his blessing would be weird.
>> He has raised up Man, fairest flower of His field,
> Et ha'adam heirim, et perahh sedeihu hana'e,
> ((dir.obj.) the-humanity (he)raised, (dir.obj.) flower(of) his-field
> I couldn't figure out how to Biblically express "fairest flower of His
> field", so i left it ambiguous whether the |hana'e| is referring to the
> flower or the field.
One cannot avoid this kind of ambiguity in Hebrew, thus such phrases are
>> And given him dominion over earth--
> Venatan lo shilton `al peney ha'aretz--
> (and-(he)gave him rulership on surface/face(of) the-earth)
Venatan : vav consecutive turns the aspects round!
So, "and-he-gave" should be |vayitein|.
>|shilton| may be a post-Biblical word, i'm not sure.
I found it twice in Tenakh, both times in Qohelet (8:4 & 8:8).
But it sounds really weird. Maybe, we should try smth like
|vayitein lo et kol-ha'aretz lememshalto| as in 2 Kings 20:13, or
|vayitein lo mishtar bekhol-ha'aretz| as in Job 38:33
>> The ending of our season is kept secret in His heart.
> Qeitz `onateinu nistar betokh libo.
> ((the)end(of) our-season concealed inside his-heart)
I don't recognize |`onateinu|. |qeitz yameinu| would be better.
>> His blessings surround us on every hand--
> Brakhotav otanu tesovevena mikol tzad--
> (his-blessings us surround from-every side)
|*brakhotav| is a wrong form. Correct is |birkhotav|. And I would place
|tesovevena| in the end of the phrase.
>> Lord, help us to be humble in the midst of plenty,
>`Azrenu, Y--H, lihyot `anav bihyot hasova`,
> (help-us, God, to-be humble in-being the-satiation)
Two infinitives of the same verb in one phrase is clumsy. Instead of |bihyot
hasova`| I would use |betokh sava`| (without def.art.)
> Vekhol yameinu hhokhmatekha yabi`u.
> (and-all our-days your-wisdom express)
> I couldn't figure out a way to say "the wisdom of Thy creation" without
> it sounding like the wisdom belonging to the creatures themselves, and
> not the wisdom inherent in (or expressed by) the act of creation.
Agree with the interpretation.
The line sounds absolutely natural!
It was fun!
ObConlang: This poem could be a good translation exercise. Unfortunately, my
projects are not on that stage when I am able to take part. Any suggestions?