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Re: Poem for the day

From:Isaac A. Penzev <isaacp@...>
Date:Thursday, September 12, 2002, 10:34
On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 11:54:11 -0400 Steg Belsky scripsit:

> Here is me trying to do it in Biblical Hebrew. Of course, i never > actually studied Biblical Hebrew itself, so i'm working on what 'sounds > right'. Anyone who actually can consciously distinguish between Biblical > and post-Biblical Hebrews, please tell me if i made any horrible errors!
I'm not a big specialist, my Hebrew is mostly liturgic too, but we use Kelley's and Lambdin's here at school, so I hope I can feel the difference... Your translation is great! Though in some cases I would use different forms or words... So I'll try to comment on differences:
>> His Sun ripens the grape, and it is the wine of our delight. > I highly doubt an actual Biblical psalm > would use this phrasing, though - generally everything is attributed > directly to God, talking about "his sun" as an intermediary between God > and his blessing would be weird.
Agree 100%.
>> He has raised up Man, fairest flower of His field, > Et ha'adam heirim, et perahh sedeihu hana'e, > ((dir.obj.) the-humanity (he)raised, (dir.obj.) flower(of) his-field > the-pleasant/pretty) > I couldn't figure out how to Biblically express "fairest flower of His > field", so i left it ambiguous whether the |hana'e| is referring to the > flower or the field.
One cannot avoid this kind of ambiguity in Hebrew, thus such phrases are rather rare.
>> And given him dominion over earth-- > Venatan lo shilton `al peney ha'aretz-- > (and-(he)gave him rulership on surface/face(of) the-earth)
Venatan : vav consecutive turns the aspects round! So, "and-he-gave" should be |vayitein|.
>|shilton| may be a post-Biblical word, i'm not sure.
I found it twice in Tenakh, both times in Qohelet (8:4 & 8:8). But it sounds really weird. Maybe, we should try smth like |vayitein lo et kol-ha'aretz lememshalto| as in 2 Kings 20:13, or |vayitein lo mishtar bekhol-ha'aretz| as in Job 38:33
>> The ending of our season is kept secret in His heart. > Qeitz `onateinu nistar betokh libo. > ((the)end(of) our-season concealed inside his-heart)
I don't recognize |`onateinu|. |qeitz yameinu| would be better.
>> His blessings surround us on every hand-- > Brakhotav otanu tesovevena mikol tzad-- > (his-blessings us surround from-every side)
|*brakhotav| is a wrong form. Correct is |birkhotav|. And I would place |tesovevena| in the end of the phrase.
>> Lord, help us to be humble in the midst of plenty, >`Azrenu, Y--H, lihyot `anav bihyot hasova`, > (help-us, God, to-be humble in-being the-satiation)
Two infinitives of the same verb in one phrase is clumsy. Instead of |bihyot hasova`| I would use |betokh sava`| (without
> Vekhol yameinu hhokhmatekha yabi`u. > (and-all our-days your-wisdom express) > I couldn't figure out a way to say "the wisdom of Thy creation" without > it sounding like the wisdom belonging to the creatures themselves, and > not the wisdom inherent in (or expressed by) the act of creation.
Agree with the interpretation. The line sounds absolutely natural! It was fun! Yitzik ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ObConlang: This poem could be a good translation exercise. Unfortunately, my projects are not on that stage when I am able to take part. Any suggestions?