English is..., by Mike Ford

Found in a collection of posts by the late John M. "Mike" Ford:

English is the noise made by people who don't believe you can use
language but want your stuff handed over politely.

English is what happens when you can't decide whether the Greeks or
the Romans had the better civilization, so you ask everybody they ever
beat up on to sort it out.

English is a language in which up has forty-seven dictionary
definitions but antidisestablishmentarianism is considered a "hard
word."

English is a text parser's way of getting faster processors built.

English is the inevitable result of repressing the gender of nouns.

English is ideographic, but it's sneaky about it.

English was created to be the language of international air traffic
control, but it got bored waiting.

English is the "universal Martian" used for interplanetary ditching
instructions.

English is a tale told by an extremely clever and inventive idiot.

--
Mark J. Reed <markjreed@...>