Re: CHAT: OT CHAT: Asperger's syndrome

> > That's typically how an asperger's person starts off,
> > but we typically do learn, piece by piece, how to
> > interact with the social complexity that is the human
> > race.
>
> That sounds a bit like myself.  I wonder if I have that
> syndrome in some form.  Complicated by a depressive
> personality.
It's quite possible that I have some kind of depressive
personality, but it's also possible that I create depressing
situations for myself through my failure to solve my
problems efficiently. Like withdrawing from them instead of
solving them. In other words, I know that I experience what
I would call depression (last year I didn't bother to turn
up to any of my final examinations because I perceived there
was no point) but I'm not sure where the ultimate cause can
be traced to.

The story of my academic life in the last few years (except
for a creative writing class I did as a refreshing break) is
that I've become very subject to letting minor problems get
_way_ out of proportion before I confront them. Problems
like : not knowing how to use a particular facility, or not
having gone to a particular session because of being
uncomfortable in a chaotic environment. I haven't done _any_
assignment work this year, and I'd been on a spiritual low
(and hence confidence low, etc) until just recently, when I
undertook a successful experiment in getting my spiritual
life sorted out (basically we're talking about a new and
fresh approach to prayer).

Then after a fortnight, which was a few days ago, I had one
of those days where my thoughts'll do anything except what
they're supposed to do (i.e. focus on study) and where these
thoughts go around my head in very much the same
unsuppressable way that music can. I know that other people
have days like this and have to essentially write them off
just as I do, but most seem to recover better afterwards.
Me, I'll often find myself playing hypothetical
conversations through in my mind, and the other day I helped
a housemate with his philosophy essay on the nature of time.
But once I _have_ a day like that, it takes a _lot_ to break
out of it and get back in control. I _did_ break out of it
last night by starting my prayers while my thoughts were
still flowing well and in essence sacrificing my
mentally-active time to the task of prayer. And then by
praying properly (well over an hour) so that I'd be
re-charged spiritually the next day.

The *most* depressed I've *ever* been was when I spent three
days and nights in bed with aching muscles from emotional
stress coming out only for meals near the end of 1997. But
that was caused by a specific traumatic event of which go to
my website <http://www.netyp.com/member/dragon>, choose "The
Path of Greeings", and click for the story behind my "Eight
Foot Tall Flesh Eating Dragon" handle. I wrote the following
fragment of poetry at the time:

 It was a pointless sacrifice that never should be made
 I was haunted by an image that refused to fade
 I cried out for support, O help remove the Curse from me
 And instead became a sacrifice that never had to be.

As for less acute depressive periods associated with
difficulties in dealing with ordinary problems until they
become overbearing, here's an extract from an email I wrote
in November of last year. I'd say the tone of it matches my
personal definition of mildly depressed.

! About exams and that ... too much of this semester has
! been wasted. Somehow I have allowed trivial matters to
! grow to monstrous proportions, being too shy to mention
! them and too scared to confront them. I have withdrawn
! into my own world *far* too much, pretending that all
! my problems will go away if I ignore them. I have had
! precious little confidence in myself. I have found
! refuge in addictions such as the internet, and have
! been unable to focus on study. If all my distractions
! are taken away all I feel is a big, big vacuum. You get
! the picture? It's a division ... on one level I'm
! desperate to find a way out of this mess but on another
! level I am * SCARED STIFF * to do anything about it.
! [...]
! I put on a cheery face for other people because when I
! *am* with other people I feel perfectly OK ... it's when
! I'm without my distractions that I realise how miserable
! I really am. "I may do anything, but I must not be a
! slave of anything", to invoke the Bible again (1
! Corinthians). Yeah, well I'm a slave of too much. Too
! much.

> > And I find it much easier to make friends on the
> > Internet than in real life - social interactions are
> > just far too _dynamic_.
>
> That's me, too.  But it's not so much the "dynamic"
> quality, as I have no problem with real-time chatting, as
I go through much of my life by having a mental image of how
things will be when I've done a particular thing, and then
becoming withdrawn when my mental image does not correspond
to reality. I've expressed this common experience
cryptically as:

  Suffering in a cravice between too many realities
  I listen to the howl of the wind outside.

The thing about social situations is that they are so full
of surprises that I can't get anywhere at all if I need
things to be predictable.

> a reluctance to *speak*.  I often find myself replying to
> a person in my head, but not being able to put it in my
> mouth, so to speak.
I don't have that about speaking per se, but I'm easily
embarrassed about raising almost any topic out of the blue,
unless it's something people already know I'm interested in.
I've been known to find ingenious and convoluted ways to get
to the real subject matter, perhaps by asking a question to
which I already know the answer so that I can pick out a
keyword in that answer that will enable me to raise the
topic. I get very embarrassed about mentioning names; this
is very much a typical asperger's trait : people used to
think I'd forgotten their names all the time but it wasn't
that, I just found saying names embarrassing and often still
do. Or I can be embarrassed about revealing knowledge in an
area that doesn't interest me, because an irrational part of
me fears that people will conclude that I am very interested
in that area.

> > And put me in a room with lots of people talking to
> > each other all over the place and I just gotta escape.
> > Sensory overload has all sorts of nasty effects on my
> > brain, and all I can do is withdraw into a corner.
>
> I'm that way with strangers, but usually pretty
> comfortable with friends, at least for a while.  After a
> couple of hours or so, tho, I need space.
A couple of hours? Eek! More like a couple of seconds.
Minutes if I'm feeling strong. It makes me feel sort of
dizzy, and all the sensory information becomes subdued and
unreal. Mum fears that when and if I learn to drive I will
strike disaster through not being able to keep track of all
the visual information you need to be aware of on the road.
She has a point.

> I used to have similar patterns, like I always had to
> give my mother a hug when I woke up and when I went to
> bed (even once feeling that I had to give her 14 hugs
> after a week's separation!).
Yes, this sort of making up for lost opportunities is very
real and very typical.

> But routine is very important to me for reasons of
> depression - if I don't have a regular routine to get me
> out of bed in the morning, and force me to go somewhere,
> I'll quickly sink into depression.
First thing in the morning I am *very* sensitive to noises
in the next room, and I absolutely can't get up until it's
peaceful, until I can't hear any thumps and so on through
the wall. I also can't get up until I have a clear mental
image of what I'm going to do once I am up - I have to go
through the routine of getting dressed and so on in my head
before I can do it in real life. Otherwise I'll get
disoriented.

> Plus, I seem to lack emotions that others experience -
> I've never felt envy, romantic attraction, jealousy,
> ambition, and I rarely feel pride.
I know that for many years I never felt guilt; I also know
that various parts of my brain were "awakened" at strange
ages. For example as a baby I never cried but instead whined
(which was at least as bad) and apparently did not learn to
cry until I was almost school-age. Also when I was five and
accidentally shut the car door on my fingers I didn't feel a
thing (Mum: "Hurry up!" Me: (calmly) "I can't, I've got my
fingers in the door"). I must confess to having felt
romantic attraction, but knowing how to express it was quite
a different matter.

Adrian.