[AUXLANG] We do but jest, poison in jest, no offence in the world

Jay Bowks wrote:

"Well, it was a pleasant surprise to find John Cowan's Essentialist
Explanations Lists on Auxlangs and Natural Languages...

http://www.ccil.org/~cowan/essential.html

I'm including here some I've sent him in the past, they're still worth
a chuckle or two everytime I read'em. Maybe they'll inspire you
to come up with one or two of your own as well."

Well, I have a few Near-Eastern flavored submissions -- I hope that I'm not
stepping on anybody's toes...

I adapted the first one from one of my favorite childhood novels.  The next
four come from the lips of my advisor.  The rest are my fault.

Aramaic sounds essentially like Greek, as spoken by a camel with morning
sickness.
-Somtow Sucharitkul

Peripheral Akkadian is essentially bad Akkadian.
-John Huehnergard

Amarna Akkadian is essentially Peripheral Akkadian as written by monolingual
Canaanites.
-John Huehnergard

Canaanite is essentially bad Arabic.
-John Huehnergard

"Amorite" is essentially everything written in Akkadian which isn't
Akkadian.
-John Huehnergard

Neo-Assyrian and Neo-Babylonian are essentially debased forms of Akkadian as
written by monolingual Aramaeans.

Akkadian is essentially East Semitic as spoken and written by Sumerians.

Moabite is essentially Aramaic, concealing its roots and aspiring to be a
dialect of Hebrew.

The language of Deir Alla is essentially Hebrew, laying low and pretending
to be a dialect of Aramaic.

Biblical Hebrew is essentially Canaanite as spoken by Zoroastrians.

Mandaic is essentially Aramaic as spoken by Zoroastrians.

Late Biblical Hebrew is essentially Biblical Hebrew, as written by
monolingual Aramaeans, without the benefit of Lambdin's grammar.

Imperial Aramaic is essentially "business Aramaic" as spoken by Persian
clerks and middle management.

Biblical Aramaic is essentially a bad imitation of Persian Chancery Aramaic
as written by a mediocre Judean novelist during the Hellenistic Era.

Phoenician is essentially "business Hebrew."

Punic is essentially Phoenician as spoken by Berbers.

-Charles Häberl
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