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Abbott and Costello learn Hebrew

From:John Cowan <jcowan@...>
Date:Thursday, May 11, 2000, 15:46
Received from another mailing list I'm on.

> ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson. > > COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn. > > A : Now, the first thing you must understand. is > that Hebrew and English have many words which sound > alike, but they do not mean the same thing. > > C : Sure, I understand. > > A : Now, don't be too quick to say that. > > C : How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. > It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in > English, but they don't mean the same. > > A : Precisely. > > C : We have that word in English, too. What does it > mean in Hebrew? > > A : No, no. Precisely is an English word. > > C : I didn't come here to learn English, I came to > learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew. > > A : Fine. Let's start with mee. > > C : You. > > A : No , mee. > > C : Fine, we'll start with you. > > A : No, we'll start with mee. > > C : Okay, have it your way. > > A : Now, mee is who. > > C : You is Abbott. > > A : No, no, no. Mee is who. > > C : You is Abbott. > > A : You don't understand. > > C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who? > > A : Yes I did. Mee is who. > > C : You is Abbott. > > A : No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me > about mee. > > C : Well, you're a nice enough guy. > > A : No, no. Tell me about mee! > > C : Who? > > A : Precisely. > > C : Precisely what? > > A : Precisely who. > > C : It's precisely whom! > > A : No, mee is who. > > C : Don't start that again-go on to something else. > > A : All right. Hu is he. > > C : Who is he? > > A : Yes. > > C : I don't know. Who is he? > > A : Sure you do. You just said it. > > C : I just said what? > > A : Hu is he. > > C : Who is he? > > A : Precisely. > > C : Again with the precisely! Precisely who? > > A : No, precisely hee. > > C : Precisely he? Who is he? > > A : Precisely! > > C : And what about me? > > A : Hu. > > C : me, me, me! > > A : Hu, hu, hu! > > C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me? > > A : No, hu is he! > > C : I don't know I maybe he is me! > > A : No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT) > > C : Do his parents know about this? > > A : About what? > > C : About her! > > A : What about her? > > C : That she is he! > > A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she! > > C :' Then who is he? > > A : Precisely! > > C : Who? > > A : He! > > C : Me? > > A : Hu! > > C : He? > > A : She! > > C : Who is she? > > A : No, hu is he. > > C : I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she? > > > A : No, that's not right. > > C : How can it not be right? I said it. I was > standing here when I said it, and I know me. > > A : Hu. > > C : Who? > > A : Precisely! > > C : Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me! > > > A : No, hee is she! > > C : Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to > learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak > English. Let me review. > > A : Go ahead. > > C : Now first You want to know me is who. > > A : Correct. > > C : And then you say who is he. > > A : Absolutely. > > C : And then you tell me he is she. > > A & C: Precisely! > > C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And > who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason > that me is she? > > A : Who? > > C : She! > > A : That is he! > > C : Who is he? > > A & C: Precisely! > > C : I have just about had it. You have me confused > I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma! > > A : What. > > C I said Ma. > > A : What. > > Q : What are you, deaf? I want Ma! > > A : What! > > C : Not what, who! > > A : He! > > C : Not he! Ma is not he! > > A : Of course not! Hu is he! > > C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't > care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I > just want to go home now and play with my dog. > > A : Fish. > > C Fish? > > A : Dag is fish. > > C : That's all, I'm outa here.