Abbott and Costello learn Hebrew

Received from another mailing list I'm on.

> ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
>
> COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
>
> A : Now, the first thing you must understand. is
> that Hebrew and English have many words which sound
> alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
>
> C : Sure, I understand.
>
> A : Now, don't be too quick to say that.
>
> C : How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that.
> It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in
> English, but they don't mean the same.
>
> A : Precisely.
>
> C : We have that word in English, too. What does it
> mean in Hebrew?
>
> A : No, no. Precisely is an English word.
>
> C : I didn't come here to learn English, I came to
> learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
>
> A : Fine. Let's start with mee.
>
> C : You.
>
> A : No , mee.
>
> C : Fine, we'll start with you.
>
> A : No, we'll start with mee.
>
> C : Okay, have it your way.
>
> A : Now, mee is who.
>
> C : You is Abbott.
>
> A : No, no, no. Mee is who.
>
> C : You is Abbott.
>
> A : You don't understand.
>
> C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
>
> A : Yes I did. Mee is who.
>
> C : You is Abbott.
>
> A : No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me
> about mee.
>
> C : Well, you're a nice enough guy.
>
> A : No, no. Tell me about mee!
>
> C : Who?
>
> A : Precisely.
>
> C : Precisely what?
>
> A : Precisely who.
>
> C : It's precisely whom!
>
> A : No, mee is who.
>
> C : Don't start that again-go on to something else.
>
> A : All right. Hu is he.
>
> C : Who is he?
>
> A : Yes.
>
> C : I don't know. Who is he?
>
> A : Sure you do. You just said it.
>
> C : I just said what?
>
> A : Hu is he.
>
> C : Who is he?
>
> A : Precisely.
>
> C : Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
>
> A : No, precisely hee.
>
> C : Precisely he? Who is he?
>
> A : Precisely!
>
> C : And what about me?
>
> A : Hu.
>
> C : me, me, me!
>
> A : Hu, hu, hu!
>
> C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
>
> A : No, hu is he!
>
> C : I don't know I maybe he is me!
>
> A : No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
>
> C : Do his parents know about this?
>
> A : About what?
>
> C : About her!
>
> A : What about her?
>
> C : That she is he!
>
> A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
>
> C :' Then who is he?
>
> A : Precisely!
>
> C : Who?
>
> A : He!
>
> C : Me?
>
> A : Hu!
>
> C : He?
>
> A : She!
>
> C : Who is she?
>
> A : No, hu is he.
>
> C : I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
>
>
> A : No, that's not right.
>
> C : How can it not be right? I said it. I was
> standing here when I said it, and I know me.
>
> A : Hu.
>
> C : Who?
>
> A : Precisely!
>
> C : Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
>
>
> A : No, hee is she!
>
> C : Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to
> learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak
> English. Let me review.
>
> A : Go ahead.
>
> C : Now first You want to know me is who.
>
> A : Correct.
>
> C : And then you say who is he.
>
> A : Absolutely.
>
> C : And then you tell me he is she.
>
> A & C: Precisely!
>
> C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And
> who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason
> that me is she?
>
> A : Who?
>
> C : She!
>
> A : That is he!
>
> C : Who is he?
>
> A & C: Precisely!
>
> C : I have just about had it. You have me confused
> I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
>
> A : What.
>
> C I said Ma.
>
> A : What.
>
> Q : What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
>
> A : What!
>
> C : Not what, who!
>
> A : He!
>
> C : Not he! Ma is not he!
>
> A : Of course not! Hu is he!
>
> C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't
> care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I
> just want to go home now and play with my dog.
>
> A : Fish.
>
> C Fish?
>
> A : Dag is fish.
>
> C : That's all, I'm outa here.