Rradhdel qog (was: RE: Poetry: alliteration)

I wrote:
> I'll be trying some alliterative verse in Draseléq
> soon -- I have to think of a good topic.
And here is something. Not very good, but it's my first
attempt (with marks over the main alliterations):

  Rradhdel qog golthnes qanan
           ^            ^
  qaik dimek tanmür duith rrosned
       ^            ^
  Ratsür thend arsel thram renhandh
         ^           ^
  Suek graishadh rei, i gisved olmes
       ^                ^
  vésseval lüss lif vösal gar
  ^                 ^

The patterns are quite irregular, but I think the overall
effect is nice, even if not orderly. _Rradhdel_ in line 1
and _rrosned_ in line 2 are purposefully alliterating,
whether that is permisible or not over different lines...
Line 4 is somehow poor, but _gar_ in line 5 could complete
the effect, mirroring the _Rradhdel... rrosned_ pattern.
_Ratsür... renhandh_ are another secondary pattern, as
well as the sounds /v l s f/ in the last line.


Interlinear translation:

1. Rradhdel qog      golthnes     qanan
   in_pain  speak.3s guardian.GEN face.ACC
   'Moaning speaks at the guardian's face --'

        _Rradhdel_ 'moaning, in pain' is not the subject,
        but an adjective applied to it; the VSO order has
        been relaxed to VOS here (the subject is _rrosned_
        in line 2).

        _Golthnes_ is GEN of _golthon_; the root is <golth->
        'vigilance, guard', and also 'tower, high place of
        observation'.

2. qaik  dimek    tanmür    duith   rrosned
   where green.3p beach.LOC pebbles sea_wind
   '-- the sea wind where the pebbles are green on the beach'

        This should be enough for any local hearer to guess
        the place. It's the tower of Dimeldüstan, in the
        south-east end of Thaqulm, just over a high wave-beaten
        cliff. The pebbles are green because moss and lichens
        grows over them -- Dimeldüstan is _dimel-duithes-tanam_,
        "Green Pebbles' Beach". Dimeldüstan is a key point of
        the southern borders of the kingdom.

3. Ratsür   thend arsel thram      renhandh
   high+LOC alone being command.3s men.GRP.ACC
   'Up there alone he commands the men'

        The LOCative case ending, <-ür>, is transparently a contraction
        of an old word meaning 'place, location', and as such it is
        applied on many non-nominal fossilized constructions.
        _thend arsel_ 'alone being' is almost always pronounced as one
        word, stressed on the first syllable.

4. Suek graishadh     rei,    i gisved olmes
   over mountains.GRP look.3s * warm   house.GEN
   'Over the mountains he looks, (and)(out) of the warm house --'

5. vésseval lüss   lif  vösal               gar
   faint    voices from mother_and_daughter hear.3s
   '-- he hears faint voices from a mother and her daughter'

        _Vösal_ is to mother/daughter as 'parents' is to father/
        mother, except it's singular; from context one should
        understand that these are the wife and the daughter of
        the guardian.


--Pablo Flores
  http://www.geocities.com/pablo-david/index.html
  http://www.geocities.com/pablo-david/draseleq.html