Re: first try at conlanging

What an interesting first try!   Will try to comment, though I didn't
understand everything.

Sorry if my comments are naive;   I don't know anything about the natlangs
you mentioned as inspirations, Vulgate Latin, or any other language but
English.   Also, I'm unfamiliar with some of the grammar;   the "dependent"
marker being one.

Since I'm most interested in syntax, I'll use your morpheme-by-morpheme
translation as
a basis for my comments.

"You(formal)-passive heaven-oblique be-dependent-inside."

Is "passive" the right gloss here?   Or would "non-agentive" fit?   Was the
term "father"
used in the Vulgate version of this prayer?   Should it be in your
translation?

"Name you-passive make holy-imperative-perfect."

Who is making the name holy?    Is your "imperative" affix imperative (fix
the car!) or
jussive (let the car be fixed)?    Is perfective aspect appropriate here?

"Sacred power you-passive to come-to-imperative."

Is your term "sacred power" the literal meaning of that which "kingdom"
refers to
metaphorically in the Lord's Prayer?   Was there a kingdom in the Vulgate?
I'm
guessing that a personal pronoun is taken as possessive if it occurs right
after some other
noun phrase that stands for the possessed.

"That way heaven-oblique so earth-oblique will you-passive to
do-imperative-perfect."

Let's see:   your oblique case can serve as a locative in a pinch.   "That
way...so" is a
correlative construction, sort of like "as...so."   What other functions
does
your oblique case serve?

"Food we(exclusive)of day-passive we(exclusive)-oblique day this-oblique
to give to give-to-inside-imperative?"

Why do both "food" and "day" take "we (exclusive)"?   Why is "to give"
reduplicated?
Why is "inside" there?   More importantly, why is "our daily bread" fronted?
I'm
guessing you want to put the focus first, and that the flexible word order
that comes with
semantic ("active") marking makes this possible.

"Wrong-passive these-active we(exclusive) oblique to do-in
defavor-dependent-perfect,
that way this-passive we(exclusive)-active these-oblique to leave-away-in
favor
of-perfect"

"So evil deed we(exclusive) you-active to leave-away-in favor of-perfect"

I'm afraid I'm lost!    Could you break this into major constituents, and
explain the verbs
"favor" and "de-favor"?    Why no imperative in these latter sentences?

"We(exclusive)-passive you-active temptation-oblique not-drive-in defavor
of-inside-imperative"

Okay, I'm back;   still don't understand "defavor" though.

"And we(exclusive) you-active evil-oblique
 liberate-from-imperative-perfect."

So the adpositions go with the verbs.   I've heard of that.  It's
interesting.

Jim G.