Re: CHAT: Hymn to Ikea (was: Re: Re: CHAT: F.L.O.E.S.

 --- And Rosta <a.rosta@...> wrote:
> Andreas Johansson:
> > Quoting And Rosta <a.rosta@...>:
> >
> > > Tristan:
> > > > I have a job at IKEA.
> > >
> > > I'll thank you not to mention such unspeakable
> things!
> > >
> > > If I ever organize an international terror
> network
> > > of mujahideen sworn to destroy the canker that
> destroys
> > > the fabric of virtuous society, its target of
> targets
> > > will be that swedish fount of evil. Like most
> people,
> > > I used to be mildly pro-Sweden until I was cast
> into
> > > the inferno that is I**a. Now blue and yellow --
> and
> > > the Scandinavian style consensual egalitarian
> social
> > > democracy embodied by that den of iniquity --
> fills me
> > > with unutterable horror.
> >
> > I'm not exactly IKEA's greatest fan, but what
> exactly
> > makes it a "fount of evil" and an "inferno"?
>
> First of all, Andreas, you must understand that I
> have
> nothing against Swedes as individuals. I have
> nothing
> but the tenderest sentiments for Swedes: you and
> Ingrid Bergman are examples that spring to mind
> immediately.
>
> "Fount of evil" is a slight exaggeration; but
> "inferno"
> isn't. Old timers will already have heard my Ikea
> rants
> (not just a peculiarity of mine -- somebody set up a
> site
> called www.ihateikea.com, to act as a forum for the
> many
> possessed by the same searing antipathy, but got
> threatened with a lawsuit by Ikea & had to take it
> down),
> so I will be brief.
That, I think, is reason enough to hate IKEA (as well
as the whole multinational/capitalist thing), but much
of what you said isn't IKEA evilness, but specific to
your one(s).

> 1. You cannot truly apprehend the meaning of
> smugness
> until you have experienced Ikea. Perhaps it is a
> more
> general Scandinavian trait; I suspect it is, but
> will
> not point the finger of accusation.
I think I've missed something. Maybe it-s just that I
mostly come in through the back door...

> 2. For furniture too complicated to build yourself,
> there
> are few alternatives to Ikea; everything else is too
> crappy or ill-designed or too outrageously
> expensive. Ikea
> now has a near-monopoly over this key market niche
> which
> used to be filled by much less odious stores.
Is that IKEA's fault or other people's fault?

> 3. Ikea stores are located in locations that it
> requires
> a hajj to reach.
Hajj?

> You cannot pop out to Ikea. You
> cannot
> visit Ikea as part of going to the shops or going
> into
> town. No, you visit Ikea as part of nothing but
> visiting
> Ikea.
Well, I'm presently sitting at work; I'm also sitting
in an inner city suburb, and in a shopping centre,*
too.

* AmE: Mall.

> 4. Once you enter you cannot leave. The store is
> laid
> out exactly like the alimentary canal: just as food
> enters the mouth and passes through miles and miles
> of intestine winding around itself, finally to
> emerge,
> in a very sorry state, at the anus, thus does the
> Ikea customer's experience go.
I'll pay that. It's quite horrible, and even though
the Sweden Shop and Bistro are right next to the exit,
people still have trouble seeing ig because they-ve
had to suffer the pain of feeling lost while walking
through a never-ending maze (in spite of the clear
signs pointing to the checkouts).

> Ploughing on and on
> through hot and airless places packed with sweaty
> crowds
> you must go.
This shop happens to be airconditioned :)

> 5. Ikea is based on the thoroughly democratic
> principle
> that everybody, regardless of class or income,
> should
> have a horrible time. With, I'm sure, the honorable
> exception of Tristan's store when he is on duty, all
> service, all help, and all succour are equally
> unavailable.
The idea seems to be that the customer is supposed to
help themselves. If you do that, they can employ less
staff and keep the costs down.

...
>  Glossing over this agony, let us
> fastforward
> to when you have paid -- which process requires you
> to single-handedly unload and reload your trolley.
> You then discover that Ikea do not deliver goods to
> your home, for surely every decent citizen drives a
> car -- a Volvo estate presumably.
No... they most certainly do do home deliveries here!
(And it's no harder to find than the exit once you've
paid.) And they also have lots of information about
public transport here: In faict, the most certainly
encourage it's use, and a tram superstop was built for
IKEA!

> justice to them, alas. Merely listing all Ikea's
> crimes
> would take a large team of prosecutors many months
> if
> not years.
Well yes, exaggerations do that :)

(Pardon typos, using a computer at work which happens
to jave an evil---that is, qwerty---keyboard.

(Umm... not on behalf of IKEA &c. &c. &c.)

--
Tristan

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