Re: A more challenging poetry translation challenge

--- In conlang@yahoogroups.com, Gary Shannon <fiziwig@Y...> wrote:

>She by the river sat, and sitting there,
>She wept, and made it deeper by a tear.
Thank you for the wonderful translation exercise.  I was especially
taken by the ambivalence of "by."  By means of?  To the extent of?

I have decided upon a few ways to express poetry in Senjecan:
1) alliteration - voiced may be used with unvoiced.
2) non-standard word order
3) alteration of primary and secondary pitch.
4) parallelism, à la Hebrew.

ü = labialization; ß = dz); ç = ts)

Standard word order:
dâân-es cóma n-e-sêd-a, cái tóru sêd-ant-un,
river-STAT.sg by 3sg.-past-sit-indic. and there sit-STAT.part.-
NOM.sg.

n-e-câlü-a, dârs-os rééßa nem e-çâl-ant-un.
3sg.-past-weep-indic., tear-STAT.sg. by 3sg. past-deepen-STAT-part.-
NOM.sg.

Poetic word order;
nesêda dâânes cóma, (8 syl.)   / tór'cüe sêdantun, (5 syllables)

necâlüa, dârsos rééßa, (8 syl.) / nem e-çâlantum. (5 syllables)

Note:
1) the parallelism of the first half of each line (I forget the
technical name!): verb, noun, postposition, AND each part has 8
syllables.  Likewise 5 syllables in the 2nd halves.

2) the second word in each first half begins with "d."

3) the particple in each 2nd half is preceded by "e": "cüe" and "e-."

4) the "s" of "sêdantun" and the "ç" of "çâlantun" are alveolars.

It's a start!

Charlie
http://wiki.frath.net/user:caeruleancentaur

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